Humour

PROJECT STAGES.

1 / Euphoria.
2 / Reality.
3 / Cost Blowout.
4 / Completion (usually behind time).

And finally,
Hypocritical and fake approval and acceptance of the finished project by those who opposed and fought against every step in the process (usually politicians).

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are supposedly genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. It's a woman's job to judicious.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

SPEED LIMITS AS INTERPRETED BY SOUTH AUSTRALIAN, ADELAIDE DRIVERS

MARKED AS :

               20 KPH

               25 KPH

               40 KPH

               50 KPH

               60 KPH

               70 KPH

               80 KPH

               90 KPH

             100 KPH

             110 KPH

SEEN AS :

          5 KPH to 40 KPH

          Whatever speed you think you can get away with

          5 KPH to 60 KPH

          40 KPH to 60 KPH (Up to 80 KPH outside the city block)

          45 KPH to 80 KPH

          60 KPH to 90 KPH

          60 KPH to 110 KPH

          60 KPH to Unlimited

          80 KPH to Unlimited

          90 KPH to Unlimited

DRIVER COURTESY AS PRACTICED BY SOUTH AUSTRALIAN, ADELAIDE DRIVERS (unfortunately)

The most important rule to remember is to treat your indicators as optional extras, and if you must use them, only bother while turning the steering wheel.

The "2 second" recommended gap between cars only means, bumpers should not be touching.

The noisier your vehicle's exhaust, the faster the vehicle will go. (Ignore what engineers say ..   What do they know ..)

You never have to waste time using indicators on round-abouts. (Other drivers using the same round-about should automatically know where you are going.)

Giving drivers adequate warning of an overtaking manoeuvre means, giving them a fraction of a second to see you passing in their side mirrors.

Only overtake if you can see the whites (or fear) in the eyes of the drivers in the on-coming traffic.

If you wish to drive faster than the speed limit, then learn to stop worrying about the drivers in front of you and treat them as a stationary obstacle course.

If you wish to drive slower than the speed limit in a single lane road, learn to ignore the rear view mirror so you never see the frustration of the drivers stuck behind you.

Slowly travelling in a single lane road while looking for a particular property or turning, is much preferred to pulling close to the kerb with a left indicator on, or better yet, pulling off the road altogether while you get your bearings.

Bicycle lanes are safer zones for "kerb crawling" or parking.

If your lane suddenly becomes blocked due to a parked vehicle (such as a thoughtlessly parked RBT unit, fire engine, or ambulance) then accelerate and quickly move into an adjacent lane, with your eyes closed ...   This way you will not feel bad about any trouble you may have caused (besides, all the emergency vehicles that may be needed to clean up the mess are already there).

Having adequate distance and gap to enter a new lane position just means, your bumpers should not be touching other vehicles.

It is very important that you get across or in front of a train or tram by speeding up (even if lights are against you) so you do not lose time in your travel.

Friendly gestures like giving other drivers "the finger" or "fist" is recommended, to let them know how you feel about them.

There is no difference between a "STOP" sign and a "GIVE WAY" sign ..   Both can be ignored.

The only time you have to stop at a red traffic light is if a camera, police officer, or other traffic, could be hazardous to your health or wallet.

Motorbikes can squeeze through any gap at any speed, as long as you don't scrape cars or their occupants. (Who wants to damage their bike or worse yet "come off" their bike ?)

You can treat a succession of traffic lights as synchronised, if you drive fast enough.

Pedestrians are just small annoyances. Don't slow down for them. Just blast your horn at them and continue driving on as if they were never in the way in the first place.

What the hell are bicycles doing on our roads ..?

Truck drivers must always use the centre lanes or, if possible, if there are enough trucks travelling at the same speed in the same direction on a multilane road or highway, they should use all the lanes (especially in towns) to stop those other pesky vehicles (such as cars) from passing.

While towing a caravan or other similar sized trailer on a single lane road (especially a busy country road), don't travel at or near the speed limit until you reach an overtaking lane. Then speed up to watch the other frustrated drivers panic as they try to overtake you. (Great fun)

Parking opposite a "T" junction can be fun as you watch other drivers (especially bus and truck drivers) try to manoeuvre around your vehicle, especially in peak hour traffic,,    AND IT IS NOW LEGAL ... whoo hoo

While travelling along a hilly road, travel up the rises at 20 KPH below the posted speed limit, and 20 KPH faster than the limit down the slopes as it all averages out in the end.
Doesn't it ?

Is moving with Al Gore's ecological tune called "Algorithm" ?